


maybe you're just turning out blanks

by orsumfenix



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, Names, Post-Canon, Sibling Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-06 17:34:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20510828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orsumfenix/pseuds/orsumfenix
Summary: Five's siblings don't seem to understand that he doesn't want a new name.





	maybe you're just turning out blanks

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be a short, purely name-suggesting fic and turned into uh...this

“So then he said ‘aww your little brother is so cute’ even though you’re actually evil, so I said ‘ha thanks he’s the youngest of us’ even though that’s the opposite of true, so _he _said ‘what’s his name’ and I said -”

“Klaus,” Five interrupts, opening the cupboard. He needs coffee. Stat. “Get to the point.”

“I told him your name was Five and he thought it was ridiculous so we need to give you a name.”

It’s something Five has heard before. When they were kids Dad made them introduce themselves to reporters, which was all fine and dandy until they reached Number Five and the reporters’ smiles would falter at hearing ‘My name is Number Five. Yes, I have a nickname. It’s Five.’

“I thought you didn’t like labels,” Five says vaguely, fingers closing around the coffee box. Klaus snorts.

“You can pick whatever name you want. It can be a girl’s name, I don’t care. I just, I need something to call you that isn’t Five.”

If he wasn’t in the middle of making coffee, Five would teleport out of this dumb conversation. As it is he slams the box on the counter and glares.

“We’re not talking about this anymore.”

“Oookay, overreact much?” Klaus doesn’t even seem bothered. “Besides, I already thought about it. How would you feel about – wait for it – Aidan?”

“My name’s not Aidan.”

“But it could be,” Klaus pushes, like someone who really doesn’t know when to drop something. He knows he’s talking to an assassin, so he’s either got a death wish or really isn’t intimidated by someone who looks thirteen. In all fairness, he has seen Five at his most embarrassing and drunk, so. “Come on, it’s a cute name! It suits you.”

Five grits his teeth. “Fuck off.”

“Okay,” Klaus says calmly. “But just so you know, I have already mentioned getting you a name to the others, so try not to kill them, alright? Or at least don’t make too much of a mess when you do.”

“No promises.”

Five morphs his bared teeth into a smile.

\--

“I’m assuming Aidan was a no-go?” Allison asks after having cornered him on the stairs. Her voice is rough, scratchy and quiet. Five almost can’t stand to look at her.

“You assume correctly.”

“I don’t know what Klaus was thinking. If he was at all.” She really struggled to get that sentence out. Five looks away.

“You should rest your voice,” he says awkwardly. Ugh. Emotions. “It isn’t good to keep straining it.”

“Thanks for the advice.” Allison pauses, then lifts her hands and switches to sign language. It stirs a feeling in Five’s chest that he can’t recognise. “Do you want a name?”

“No.”

“I have some you might like.”

“I thought I established this when we were kids. I’m fine with Five.”

Allison watches him for a few long moments before nodding. As a kid she never rumoured him into explaining even though she could’ve done, presumably because she just didn’t care enough. She’s changed a lot since then.

They all have.

“I’m watching a movie with Claire later,” she signs. “Do you want to come with us?”

He goes to say no and hesitates.

“Which movie?”

She shrugs. “Whatever Claire wants.” Her hands hover for a few moments, like she isn’t sure how to sign what she wants. “It has to be good for her age.”

“Are you trying to say age appropriate?”

Allison nods, looking embarrassed. She shouldn’t be. Five’s been studying his ass off at sign language so she doesn’t have to strain her voice and it’s – hard. Allison has a habit of reverting to talking if she can’t figure out how to express herself but the doctors say she needs to rest it, and rely on her siblings to understand her.

Does she want him to come or not? Is she asking out of courtesy, or does she genuinely want to spend time with him? He wants to go, he likes seeing Claire, but does Allison want some alone time with her daughter?

“I’ll come with you,” Five says, and Allison’s smile says he made the right choice.

\--

Recently he’s gotten into the habit of sitting and reading with Vanya while she practises her violin. It’s one of the small things he missed in the apocalypse: quiet moments, just being sat in someone’s company.

He’s almost finished the chapter when Vanya lowers her violin and says, “Klaus said you wanted a new name.”

“Klaus is a liar.”

“I think it might be nice.”

“’Five’ and ‘nice’ don’t go in the same sentence,” he mutters darkly. Vanya smirks and mimes hitting him with her violin. “He accosted me with the idea and I wasn’t harsh enough in shooting him down. My mistake.”

Vanya hums. “Just think, though. You’re fifty-eight and you’ve never had a name. Doesn’t that feel weird?”

“Five is my name.”

She frowns at her violin, twirling it in her hand.

“I wouldn’t like having just a number for a name. It’s so…dehumanising.”

Five isn’t entirely sure that he is a human, but that’s probably a conversation for him and his therapist.

“You and I are very different people.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” She pauses for a moment. “What about Xavier? As in Charles Xavier?”

“Are you suggesting Charles or Xavier?”

“I don’t know, both? Whichever you prefer, or if you even like either of them.” She stares at him, like she’s trying to imagine him called either of those names. “I think they work.”

Her gaze is making him uncomfortable. Five looks away and shifts.

“I don’t want to be named after a comic book character.”

“Fair enough. Hey, can you listen to these lines I play? I swear I can’t get them quite right.”

\--

The film Claire’s chosen to see is a weird sequel to what Five will bet was an even weirder first film, full of poop jokes and a weird twin gimmick that has Claire in hysterical laughter.

Allison looks happy to see Claire happy, which in turn makes Five happy. So it’s a good trip, even if he had to order the tickets at the desk because Allison’s voice was too sore. Claire has taken to sign language with extreme enthusiasm, and he envies how fast kids are at learning, how good they are with change.

Five’s not legally allowed to drive them home. Usually Allison doesn’t care if he drives because she knows he can, but the one of the rules of the house they recently established is that Five can’t do anything illegal with Claire nearby, which is fair enough.

“How come your name is Five?” Claire asks in the taxi back to the Academy. He’ll bet any money someone’s been suggesting names in front of her. “Five is a number.”

“Five is the best number.”

“Yeah, but…” She wrinkles her nose. It looks so much like Allison. “It’s a funny thing to have for a name. What’s it short for?”

“Number Five.”

Claire giggles.

“I like my name,” Five says. Allison’s eying him like she’s doing a lot of thinking. She’s been trying so hard since he got back, and she always managed to have the emotional intelligence the rest of them didn’t. If she suggests another name he’ll be surprised. “And I like yours.”

“Thank you! Claire can be a boy name too sometimes, my friend’s brother’s friend is called that!”

“It’s nice.” It feels like a lame thing to say, but Claire seems to like it. She likes him. She thinks he’s fun, which. Uh.

As soon as they get back Claire has to pack her stuff to go. Her dad’s going to pick her up from the Academy and fly back with her. The whole time Allison is tense and down, but she keeps smiling at Claire and signing the words for ‘I love you’.

Five waits inside while Allison sees Claire to the car. As soon as she’s inside the smile drops.

“Are you okay?” he asks. Allison’s nod is clearly a lie, so he tries his hand at trying the way she does. “It’s okay if you’re not. I mean, she’s your kid. You love her.”

“I miss her already,” Allison whispers, voice sounding _terrible_, but before he can comment on it her face scrunches up and she bursts into tears. Oh god, shit, this is bad –

She doesn’t want a hug, and he’s so stupidly relieved, but he sits with her and talks about a book he read that was really wrong about time travel and makes her a hot chocolate. He didn’t mix the powder in properly, he assumed she would, but she drinks it with clumps and he leaves it alone.

He can do this. He can do this.

\--

Luther suggests the name Lionel as they pass in the corridor the next day. Then Diego throws out Dennis – “y’know, like Dennis the Menace? Because you’re evil" – and a corporeal Ben says maybe Harry, as in Harry Potter, and it’s official. All of his siblings are in on this.

“You know in prison,” Klaus says thoughtfully on the third day of what Five wants to call The Naming, with capitals for added horror. “I knew a guy called the Rampage.”

“Was that his real name?”

“No, his real name was Hubert. But everyone called him the Rampage because, well, man _rampaged. _Whatever he went in for wasn’t why he was still there. He got added time so much, that guy’s gonna die in there. And not even of stabbing, like my bunkie! I guess he could, but I think it’s old age that’ll pop his clogs. His sentence is longer than any human life.”

And they call Five the weird sibling.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“It’s a fun story! Plus, it has a moral.”

“Fables have morals.”

“Yeah, so this is a fable.”

“Fables,” Five says slowly, “are about animals, and they’re not true.”

“Okay, well, let’s pretend that was a lie and the Rampage was a badger or something. The lesson we just learned is that sometimes names can be titles, if you’re a badass. And you, my little evil brother, certainly qualify.” Klaus is looking incredibly proud of himself. “How about the Terror?”

“Definitely not.”

“The Assassin?”

Five scowls. “Do you want me to get arrested?”

“Yes, because that would be hilarious, but I see your point. Hmm…The Stabber?”

“No.”

“The Stone Cold Killer?”

“Again, police.”

“Right, right. Okay, what about The Time Travelling Kid Who Is Actually An Old Man And Will Kill You With No Remorse?”

“Worst one yet.”

“The…Boy?”

Five stares. “What is badass about The Boy?”

“It’s accurate?”

“So were the others.” He looks away. “Are any of those even better than Number Five? You said it was weird saying my name to other people. How would ‘The Stabber’ change that?”

Klaus’ smile seems weird.

“At least you will have picked it for yourself,” he says, voice tight, but before Five can frown and reply Klaus spins and starts to wander off. “Speaking of picking, Mom picked names for the rest of us based on where we appeared in ladies’ tummies. We could do the same for you…”

Klaus disappears around a corner. Five stares at the empty corridor.

\--

“Kevin,” Diego says. “Like the Home Alone kid.”

Five raises his head. “One, I’m not a kid, and two, if people broke in here I wouldn’t set up a bunch of traps, I would just kill them.”

“Last time people broke in here you weren’t even here. They broke in _looking for you_, and all of us got hurt because of it.”

“I’m sorry about that,” Five says calmly. “But it was unavoidable.”

Diego scowls.

“How about Richard?” he snaps. “Then we can shorten it to Dick.”

\--

“Adam,” Vanya offers.

“Tim,” Luther says.

Klaus. “Riley.”

Diego. “Michael.”

Ben. “Dexter. Okay, maybe not. Brian.”

Allison. “Five.” He looks at her and she smiles, signing: “I like Five.”

\--

“Constantinople!” Klaus yells, holding – god, that’s the book Harold Jenkins stole – high in the air. Five stares.

“What?”

“Well, formerly Constantinople. Now it’s Istanbul. And,” Klaus declares, turning the book around with a flourish. “The place where little Number Five was born.”

Five squints at the pages. Sure enough, there it is. Istanbul.

Klaus’ grin falters.

“You don’t seem surprised,” he notes cautiously, spinning the book back around. Five shrugs.

“That’s because I’m not.”

“Uh, why not? I mean, the rest of us all kinda guessed where we might’ve been born ‘cause of what Mom called us but she never gave you a name so yours was always a mystery and hey, didn’t that kinda suck -”

“Grace gave me a name,” Five says, and takes a sip of his coffee.

“Oh,” Klaus says. Then, “Wait, what? When?”

Loathe as he is to pause in the middle of consuming The Best Beverage On Earth, the effect of hovering over the mug with a raised brow can’t really be topped.

“Grace gave me a name,” he repeats slowly. “She told everyone in their rooms before announcing it to make sure we liked them, right? And I told her I didn’t like mine. I just wanted to be Five. But the name she _did _give me was Turkish, so I guessed that meant I was Turkish, too.” His eyes focus on the book for a few seconds before he shrugs, going back to the coffee. “Never knew it was Istanbul. That’s interesting.”

“What the _fuck_.” Klaus looks like he didn’t know whether to laugh or frown and his face got caught between the two. “You’ve had a name this whole time?”

“Five is my name,” Five snaps, jerking in defence, and shit. That’s. That’s coffee on his lap.

By some miracle Klaus doesn’t seem to have noticed the coffee and Five isn’t about to bring it to his attention. It’s mostly cold by now anyway. No big deal.

“But what name did Mom give you?” Klaus pushes. Five looks off to the side.

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Doesn’t – Five, that’s your _name_! It’s you! At least tell me what it is so I don’t have to keep getting confused about whether someone means you or the time.”

Five really doesn’t want to tell Klaus the name. It’s not _his _name, it’s just _the _name, the one Grace thought would suit him. And it did, kinda. But he didn’t want it. It didn’t feel right.

He can feel in his bones that Klaus isn’t going to let this go, though, and he’s tired and he talked himself numb at his therapy session and there’s coffee in his lap that he really needs to clean up, so Five opens his mouth and says: “Mom wanted to call me Zeki.”

“Zeki,” Klaus repeats dumbly. Five meets his gaze head-on.

“Yeah. It means I’m clever.”

“But that’s so cool,” Klaus breathes. Christ. Ben better not be in here, one person knowing is bad enough.

“I don’t care if it’s cool. Zeki isn’t my name.” His tongue stumbles on the word Zeki, like even it knows it just isn’t right. “My name is Five. And if you tell fucking anyone what Grace called me, I will cut your throat in your sleep and you’ll join all those ghosts you can see.”

“Okay, little buddy, calm down.” Klaus raises his arms in surrender, grinning from ear to ear. “I won’t tell anyone about _Zeki_. I’ll look for a different name. But, hey, you might wanna clean up that coffee before it stains.”

\--

They’re near the end of training when Luther awkwardly clears his throat and says, “How about Sevket?”

Five stops, still holding a wooden pole ready to attack.

“Huh?”

“Your name,” Luther specifies. He’s gripping the pole so tight it looks like it’s going to snap. “Sevket might be nice. It means power and dignity.”

Five stares, then says: “Is Sevket fucking Turkish?”

“Hey, watch the language. But, yeah.” Luther looks embarrassed. “Klaus said you were born in Turkey so it might be nice if you got a Turkish name.”

For a good few seconds Five is too outraged to move. Then he teleports right across the house and appears snarling in front of Klaus.

“You _said _you wouldn’t tell, asshole!”

“Hey, hey, hey, tell what?” Klaus backs up, trying for a weak smile. “You look really sweaty, are you okay?”

Five is really sweaty and he is not okay. He bares his teeth in a dangerous smile.

“You said you wouldn’t tell anyone what Grace called me.”

“I didn’t! I just told them you from Istanbul!”

“That’s basically the same thing!”

“No it isn’t! It’s not the actual name, just an area. And it’s only fair, we all know where everyone else came from. Like, Vanya’s from Russia, right? We’ve always known that. Why can’t we know this?”

Five glowers.

“Because,” he says through gritted teeth, “that was private information that isn’t even relevant.”

“Relevant to _what? _The apocalypse is over, dude, this is the next big thing.”

“This isn’t the next big thing, because this isn’t anything. This is bullshit.”

“Your face is bullshit.”

“Children!” Mom chirps in the corridor. “Lunch is ready!”

Neither of them moves for a second, staring each other down. Then Klaus says, “Lunch is ready, Five.”

Glaring, Five points the wooden stick towards Klaus. “This isn’t over.”

“Good. Look, are you _sure _you don’t want the Terror?”

\--

The Turkish names get thrown at him at lunch, unfortunately attended by everyone. Vanya likes Demir and Diego wants Emin and Klaus yells Ayaz.

“Um,” Luther says, squinting at a phone screen. “Mirac?”

Hold on a minute.

Five narrows his eyes. “Is there a site you’re all getting Turkish baby names from, or something?”

“Uh,” Vanya says, while Diego says, “Momjunction.com.”

Klaus pouts. “Diegooo, you spoiled the family secret!”

“Sorry, Five.” Vanya tries for a smile. “We just thought it might be nice.”

Allison waves for their attention before signing: “Five doesn’t want a name.”

“I didn’t get that,” Diego and Klaus say at the same time. Five rolls his eyes.

“She said that I don’t want a new name, and she’s right. My name is Number Five. Always has been, always will be.”

Luther looks off to the side. “I didn’t like it when Dad called me Number One,” he confesses. It’s a bigger deal than it seems, for Luther to name something he didn’t like about Dad. Hesitantly, Vanya squeezes his hand.

“Me either,” she murmurs, and Luther manages a smile.

Diego frowns. “Mom gave us all names from where we were born. Why don’t you want a Turkish one?”

“Because I don’t think it matters where we were born. We’re here now.”

“That’s deep as fuck. I hate it.”

“Well, I hate you.”

Allison sighs. “I love this family.”

\--

“I know you said you don’t want a Turkish name,” Vanya says. “But it gave me an idea. Maybe you could have a Russian name, and then – we could match. If you wanted.”

“A Russian name,” he repeats. “Like what, Vladimir? Joseph? Ivan?”

“I was thinking Yuri. The first guy in space was named Yuri, and you’re really into your physics, and you’re the first person to travel through time, so you’re a pioneer. Sort of.”

He’s not the first person to travel through time. That honour probably goes to someone in the Commission. But…

“That won’t change when my name changes. I like being called Five. Nothing else feels right.”

“But you’re your own person,” Vanya insists. “Not just one of seven.”

“I am my own person. And I’m the only one of the seven with a number for a name, so if anything I’m more individual than the rest of you.” Vanya stares as he takes a big gulp of coffee. “No offence to you, really. If I was going to choose a name I’d go with one you suggested. I even liked some of your suggestions. They’re just – not me.”

“Oh,” Vanya says. “I get it.” She smiles slowly, nervously. “Of course you’re Five. Who else would you be?”

\--

“Ajax,” Diego says. Five frowns.

“The cleaning brand?”

Diego rolls his eyes. “I looked up warrior names. Apparently he was a Greek soldier or something.”

“You think I should name myself after a Greek soldier?”

“Well,” Diego says thoughtfully, “you are a warrior.” It’s a terrible statement Five absorbs in silence. “Plus I kind of like it. Sounds badass. But hey, if you’re too chicken to share a name with a cleaning brand -”

“That’s not the problem,” Five interrupts, even though it’s not _not _the problem. “I don’t want to be named after a Greek warrior, Diego. I don’t want to be named at all.”

“You just want to be called Five?”

“Yeah. I told you this when we were kids, I don’t see why none of you are getting it now.”

“Just seems weird, considering the old man’s dead. You don’t have to keep the name he gave you anymore.”

“Huh?”

Diego pulls out a knife, like he’s going to actually stab Five, which honestly wouldn’t be a surprise. But he just twirls it in his fingers.

“The real reason Klaus wanted you to get a new name was because he thinks it’s weird that you use what Dad called you,” Diego explains. “I mean, you’re fifty-eight and you still have the fucking piece of shit number. You can’t seriously _like_ that you got named as an asset! Like you’re a thing, and not a person.”

Oh.

This is about Dad.

Of course it is.

“It’s not about Dad,” Five explains. “It’s about me. I’ve never even thought about it that much before, not even in the apocalypse. Delores always liked my name.”

Diego looks unimpressed. “The mannequin?”

“My _partner_, thank you very much. Plus it didn’t even matter then, it’s not like there was anyone else there. And now it still doesn’t matter. I don’t want a new name. I already have a name.”

Diego stares for a very long time.

“Fine,” he says eventually, raising his hands and taking a step back. It’d look a lot less weird if he wasn’t still holding a knife. “Fine. You’re not Five out of duty or spite, you just like the name. I understand.”

His heart feels heavy. “Good.”

“But if you ever change your mind.” Diego spins on his heels. “You should go with Ajax.”

\--

“Ben said since you’re so weird you should get a weird name, so I looked up weird names online,” Klaus announces. “How about Yanni?”

“No.”

“Uh.” Klaus squints down at a piece of paper in his hand. Jesus Christ, he’s printed off a list. “Damarco?”

“No.”

“Okay, just stop me when you hear one you like. Daxx, Echo, Lux, Nero, Uziah, Zenith -”

Five teleports over to snatch the sheet out of his hands. Squinting down, he sees that it’s chock full of names Klaus has apparently been saying at random.

Pointedly, Five rips the sheet in two.

Klaus’ mouth drops open. “That took me ages!”

“How long?”

“Ten minutes. That’s ten whole minutes that I’ll never get back.” Klaus glares, but it’s light-hearted. “You are my least favourite sibling.”

“Good.” Five shifts, suddenly restless. “I had a talk with Diego and he explained why you thought I should get a new name.”

“That little snitch!”

“Well, it made sense, but you’re wrong. My name is my name and I’m not changing it.” Five meets Klaus’ eyes. “So you’re just going to have to tell people your brother’s name is Five.”

Klaus’ smile is broad.

“I can do that.”

\--

“Hey, Mom?” he asks when she’s serving dinner. Roast chicken and chips, probably on Luther’s request, and the three plates mean, joy of joys, Mom wants Five, Klaus and Luther to eat together. “Do you remember the name you wanted to give me?”

Mom beams. “Of course I do, sweetie. Zeki, meaning intelligent. It reminded me of you.”

He pauses. “Did you find that on Momjunction.com?”

Mom’s smile gets wider. “It doesn’t matter where I found it, it just matters if you like it or not. And you told me you didn’t want it.” She uses the spatula to separate the chips across the plates. “Have you changed your mind?”

“No. I’ve just been thinking about it lately.” The chicken smells _really _good. It’s the smell of burning meat he hates, which is why whenever Klaus walks over the cooker Five leaves. “Did that upset you?”

It’s stupid. It’s not like she can feel things. When Five was a kid he was convinced Mom was a spy for Dad, a malicious one that reported their every move and had cameras in her eyes. Ben told him he was paranoid, but considering the cameras that fucking watched them sleep? No.

It’s different now, though. Even if she was a spy it wasn’t out of malice like he used to think, and Dad and Pogo are dead so she has no one to spy for. And Mom tries so hard, and loves them so much, and.

And…

It’s nice having her back. They couldn’t get everyone back.

“Upset me? No, silly!” Mom ruffles his hair. It’s not as patronising as it should be, because 1) it’s Mom and 2) she does it to the rest of his siblings, too. “Your name is who you are. You should control it.”

Control. Hmm. He never considered that he rejected his name initially so he could have control, but looking back it seems likely.

“I just want to be Five,” he confesses. Mom beams.

“Then that’s who you are!”

“Yeah,” he agrees softly, smiling down at the table. “That’s me.”

**Author's Note:**

> i know in the comics five and luther were twins but for the sake of this fic they weren't here  
thank you for reading!! :)


End file.
